Some kids want to stay in their comfort zone and avoid taking on new challenges or experiences. So, it's important to avoid overscheduling your child. This makes it less likely children will share their feelings with us, depriving them of a chance to express and work them through. E., Schendang, H., Pluess, M., Bruining, H., Acevedo, B., Bijttebier, P., and Homberga, J. The strategies above help children gain the benefits of thoughtful discipline while sparing them some of the emotional anguish inherent with a highly sensitive child. Given that highly sensitive children are more affected by their environmentfor better and for worseit is of critical importance that caregivers, educators, and health professionals are aware of the trait, and work together to create the supportive and nurturing conditions these orchid children need to develop optimally, experience wellbeing, and flourish. So, it's important for parents to teach them how to engage in problem-solving. She is the co-director of the Centre for Schema Therapy Australia. Kindness is the most powerful and useful of all social-emotional skills. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram. Of course, that can be true of any childsensitive children, though, need especially good role models because they are learning how to use their incredible gift in a world that sometimes doesn't value its inherent worth. She delivered one of the most popular TEDx talks of all time. As a result, it's important to find ways to nurture and guide sensitive kids who may struggle to thrive in a less than sensitive world. They may reject foods that have strong tastes and smells. If your child's behaviors are interfering in her ability to engage in healthy relationships with others or to function effectively at home and school, it is important to seek professional help. Minor complaints can turn into temper tantrums or meltdowns if yelled at. Highly sensitive people are born to experience deeper, more powerful emotional lives. Incorporating literacy into mental health practices. We can liken the HSP to the canary in the coal minecapable of providing advanced warning of danger (or opportunity) before it is detected by the majority of the group. Aron EN, Ph.D. Using logical consequences will help your child learn valuable life lessons. It is an attribute common in people with ADHD. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. Emotionally sensitive kids become overwhelmed easily. 1 Accept Their Sensitivity If your child is sensitive, don't try to change their temperament. To learn about ways to sensitively support HSC's check out these blogs on Psychology Today. Make sure you are implementing consequences when your child breaks the rules. . Limit extracurricular activities and provide plenty of downtime at home where your sensitive child feels safe and can unwind. Both adults and kids respond more deeply and quickly to criticism than to praise, remembering a deflating or wounding remark withmore exactness. They are therefore more prone to stress and anxiety. "You've already watched two episodes of 'Peppa Pig', isn't that enough? A series of quiet, calming activities is a good way to reduce the intensity of stimuli and help a highly sensitive kid to wind down, Jagiellowicz says. Seeing the people they love get upset can often trigger them to get upset, too. 2. She's also a psychotherapist, international bestselling author and host of the The Verywell Mind Podcast. Early determinants of behaviour: evidence from primate studies. Pluess M, Assary E, Lionetti F, et al. Highly sensitive children are very responsive to their environment, are intensely perceptive, and can get overwhelmed easily. This constant analysis of their environment makes HS children extremely bright and insightful. After the discipline, give them positive affirmations and reassure them of how much you love them. Highly sensitive children are wired to experience their feelings and experiences more deeply. Although it might be tempting to bend the rules to avoid upsetting a sensitive child, constant exceptions wont be helpful in the long run. Sensitivity & School And since sensitive kids are more affected by their experiences than their peers, they get more out of support, training, and encouragement. [6] Aron, E. N. (1999). Having a name to associate with how they're feeling will help them communicate better with you, while allowing you to better understand what they're feeling. Sensory processing sensitivity is neither of them. This indicates that just as sensitive people frequently self-report they could not watch a stranger in pain without feeling a strong desire to help. In fact, high sensitivity is one of the characteristics of gifted children. Also, dont feel rejected if your child wants some quiet time or a safe space to wind down. Helping neurodivergent children experience calm during the chaos of Christmas. They are also cautious and thoughtful. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. They are sensitive to feeling scrutinized or assessed. Sensitive kids need to learn how to verbalize their feelings and they need to learn appropriate ways to cope with those feelings. Who are these people? As a former highly sensitive child, I personally relate to Elaine Aron's description of one. What are some ideas you have? Listen to her ideas and share yours. They read people well and can infer, with surprising accuracy, what they are thinking or feeling. No, Being Autistic Is Not the Same as Being Highly Sensitive, 9 Ways to Support Your Sensitive Child Through Christmas, The Effect of Emotional Neglect on Highly Sensitive People, There May Be a Better Term for Highly Sensitive People. Often, they dont need punishment to know theyve done something wrong. Sarahs teachers describe her as highly perceptive. For example, your son comes home from school with a scraped knee because he fell off the swings. Elaine Aron, Ph.D., coined the terms Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)5 and Highly Sensitive Child (HSC)6 which have become popular terms used to describe the scientific concept of high SPS. How to Reconcile With an Estranged Family Member, 3 Ways to Build an Unbreakable Bond With Your Child, Stand Up Straight, Your Neurons Are Watching, The Hard Problems of Consciousness and Psychology, How to Support Those Whove Chosen Family Estrangement, Why It's So Important to Teach Kids to Be Kind, Why Unloved Daughters Feel Like They Don't Belong, How Childhood Invalidation Affects Adult Well-Being, 4 Ways to Begin to Recover from Childhood Emotional Neglect, Early Emotional Neglect Can Hobble Adult Self-Discipline. Jagiellowicz stresses that its important to be tolerant of your childs sensitivities. ", Trying to talk kids out of their feelings doesnt make them magically disappear. The point is to praise a child's efforts rather than the results of those efforts. Or enjoy quiet play more than big and noisy groups? We send the message that we are uncomfortable with their difficult emotions and don't want to hear about them. London: Element. Some parents, for example, may even special-order seamless socks online to cut down on daily getting-dressed battles. J Fam Psychol. 10 Traits of Highly Sensitive Children Child Development and Parent Consultation Pre-order my new book: Why Is My Child in Charge? At home, help them by giving them a voice. In this documentary, Art Aron (well-known love researcher) and Elaine Aron provide the science and advice behind the film Sensitive and in Love. Highly sensitive kids have an entirely different approach to their environment, and that is a strength. HS children are wired to register their feelings and experiences in the world more deeply than other children. These traits are not associated with high sensitivity. See the difference? Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 105, 1582515830. One highly sensitive child may be jumpy and hyperactive from being over-stimulated. Sensory Processing Sensitivity: A temperament trait. When we avoid or minimize our childrens feelings, we interfere in this process. Facebook image: LightField Studios/Shutterstock. You say something, and they hear it 10 times louder and as 10 times more of a threat. Speaking calmly and matter of factly when discipliningand ignoring minor infractionswill go a long way. When children are in this highly dysregulated state, less is more. Should You Discipline Your Kids Differently? They are keenly tuned in to everyone and everything. They make insightful comments and seem wise for their age. How to Catch Anger Cues in Children and Ourselves, 3 Ways to Achieve Lasting Happiness for Children, Co-Parenting After Divorce When Your Ex Was Abusive, 10 Things to Expect When Trying to Separate from a Toxic Mother, 4 Ways to Strengthen a Father-Child Relationship, Helping Avoidant Kids Muscle Through Challenges and Fears, Setting Boundaries With Your Self-Absorbed Adult Child, How Emotionally Immature Parenting Affects Our Adult Lives, 3 Reasons to Address Your Parental Phone Obsession, 3 Ways to Build an Unbreakable Bond With Your Child, 7 Ways to Cope When Your Adult Child Treats You Like Dirt, Planting the Seeds of Belonging for Parents, Parental Expectations: The Helpful and the Harmful. 2. Is your impression correct? Expect big meltdowns with kids who are wired to be big reactors. They're typically aware of slight changes in their environment and may become easily overstimulated. I am going to be so mean to her if you go out.". While introverts tend to keep to themselves and are less likely to engage in social situations, they can change their mind with a little encouragement. Daddy you need to kiss mommy.. Fifteen to 20 percent of children can be considered highly sensitive. Announcing our newest book The Highly Sensitive Parent. An example of praising efforts rather than results would be to say, I like the way you kept trying hard when you were struggling with your math. Make it clear that hard work and effort is worthy of praise, even if it doesnt turn out perfect in the end. Sensory processing sensitivity as a marker of differential susceptibility to parenting. In these situations, it's important for them to know how to come up with solutions that can relieve their stress and anxiety. Praise your childs effort, not ability, so that they believe they can improve with practice and are not limited by their current abilities10. The good news is he doesn't think much of it. Highly sensitive children (HSC) have a highly perceptive nervous system. Consequences should focus on discipline, rather than punishment. "Hot house flowers" or " orchids ." HSC are affected by and reactive to even minor changes in their environment. They are doing all the "right" things that they have read about: validating emotions and offering calming tools like deep-belly breathing and bear hugs. In studies, sensitive children thrive more than non-sensitive kids when they have positive childhood experiences, but they also suffer more health risks if they have negative childhood experiences8. In general, neuroticism is defined by adjectives such as anxious, moody, and depressed. Aron EN, Aron A, Jagiellowicz J. Sensory Processing Sensitivity. Highly sensitive individuals across species have been found to be more sensitive to their environment. Will I be safe? 5. With a sharpened sense of awareness, these children are often gifted intellectually, creatively, and emotionally, demonstrating genuine compassion at early ages. This reinforces the idea that being kind to others is important and encourages them to continue thinking of others. 3. Also, be sure that you are gentle in handing down the consequences. Having problem-solving skills can make a big difference in a sensitive child's daily life. If your discipline is too relaxed, they wont be prepared to deal with the real world. Set aside time to talk and play with them one-on-one, separate from their siblings. Some kids want to stay in their comfort zone and avoid taking on new challenges or experiences. You lost control and threw the remote at me. Excessive infant crying or colic is a common problem that is often thought to be self-limiting. Sensitivity is defined as the ability to perceive, process, and respond deeply to ones environment. 4. When parents treat childrens emotions as unimportant or excessive, they neglect the child emotionally. So, sensory processing sensitivity is not an illness or a disease. Although Sarah enjoys spending time with her best friends, she usually calls her parents to pick her up early from birthday parties or sleepovers as she finds group social situations overwhelming. They tend to be deep thinkers, emotional, and empathetic. Because of their sensitivity, HS children are triggered to experience stress more quickly. Ask open-ended questions. They have a hard time shaking intense emotions like anger or worry. What kids need when they are distressed is precisely what we need in these moments: someone who listens, accepts our feelings, doesn't judge, and doesn't tell us what to do or try to make it all better. While your childhood is part of you, it doesnt have to dictate who you become. Shutting down the process is a missed opportunity to help children make sense of, not fear, their feelings. Our website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. For more on how to help children manage their big emotions, please see my other posts. The problem is the expectation gap. Is your impression correct? Sensitive kids need plenty of encouragement. Here are nine signs your kid may be highly sensitive: Highly sensitive kids are not only emotionally reactive, but extremely empathetic. Instead of saying, You cant eat dessert unless you eat all your dinner, say, If you eat all your dinner you can earn dessert!. [7] Aron, E. N. (2002). High sensitivity is not a flaw in parent or child. Self-absorbed adult children tend to be overly focused on their struggles and tend to take their angst out on their parents. Do These Genes Help Make You a Highly Sensitive Person? Because we love our kids so much, our knee-jerk reaction when our kids are distressed is to make the uncomfortable feelings (for them and us) go away. To try to gain control of a world that can feel overwhelming, HS kids come up with fixed ideas and expectations about how things should be to make daily life more manageable. Instead of viewing your child as "wimpy and whiny," emphasize their strengths and gifts. Sensitive kids can become overstimulated by large crowds, bright lights, and chaotic environments. Highly sensitive kids can be hesitant with new people or experiences, and do best with big changes if theyre introduced gradually, Jagiellowicz says. These are all coping mechanisms that provide protection and relief from a flood of difficult emotions. Anger management is a skill that can be learned. Its okay to cut an activity short if your child becomes overstimulated and must leave. In contrast, children who show a biological indifference to experiences of adversity, and thrive in almost all environments, are likened to dandelions. Both adults and kids respond more deeply and quickly to criticism than to praise, remembering a deflating or wounding remark withmore exactness. No more talking! Does your child want all the tags pulled out from her shirts? (2019). They are more prone to meltdowns. In fact, they usually get amplified and more likely to be "acted-out." The Payoff for Speaking Up About Not Having Kids. Because of their sensitivity, HS kids are more prone to anxiety and other mental health challenges. Sometimes your child might not be able to get to their room. HS kids are amazing and also exhausting. Having intense emotions when overwhelmed is a trait of high sensitivity. Highly sensitive children are wired to experience their feelings and experiences more deeply. [14] Suomi, S. J., 1997. Practice will make them better over time. Manage your expectations. The following discipline strategies will help you provide the discipline your sensitive child needs. Just try to be gentler in your approach. Jenn Granneman is the co-founder of Sensitive Refuge and co-author of "Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much World." Acevedo BP, Aron EN, Aron A, Sangster M, Collins N, Brown LL. If your child is one, they may be: Sensitive children are commonly born with sensory processing sensitivity (SPS). [12] Liss, M., Timmel, L., Baxley, K., Killingsworth, P. (2005). Such children are incredibly responsive to their environments, whether it is the lighting, sounds, smells, or overall mood of the people in their situationsthese kids pick it up. But parents of highly sensitive kids know that there is more to their childrens temperaments than big feelings. [11] Aron, E. N., Aron, A., & Davies, K. M. (2005). Posted February 21, 2022 How to Reconcile With an Estranged Family Member, 3 Ways to Build an Unbreakable Bond With Your Child, Stand Up Straight, Your Neurons Are Watching, The Hard Problems of Consciousness and Psychology, How to Support Those Whove Chosen Family Estrangement, 4 Clear Signs That You've Outgrown a Friendship, Colic in Infancy May Be More Than Just Gas, How Childhood Invalidation Affects Adult Well-Being, The Lingering Harm of Childhood Emotional Neglect, 6 Unhealthy Behaviors Caused by Childhood Emotional Neglect. By providing a stable, safe base for them to explore the world at their own speedgiving them roots and wings, as Jagiellowicz calls ityou can set them up for future success. Keep your childs involvement in extracurricular activities to a reasonable level so that they have enough downtime to decompress throughout the day. While this is clearly intended to soothe their child, paradoxically, it often results in an increase in dysregulation. Becoming happier is a skill, and you can develop it. Some families inadvertently teach their kids the wrong ideas about how feelings work, making them prone to harmful choices. [3] Wolf, M., van Doorn, G. S., & Weissing, F. J. Highly sensitive children are . Posted March 2, 2022 It is estimated that around 30% of the population are highly sensitive. Forget Co-Parenting With a Narcissist. The first step is recognizing that there's nothing wrong with being sensitive. Belsky J, Pluess M. Beyond diathesis stress: Differential susceptibility to environmental influences. Another highly sensitive child, Lizzie, age 8, came home from school after seeing a bullying episode and broke down crying. Sensory processing sensitivity is not a disorder and it is not the same as sensory processing disorder. While high sensitivity may look similar to these personality traits and illness, it is none of these things. They keenly focus on and analyze everything. The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. Pamela Li is an author, Founder, and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting For Brain. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31, 181197. The more out of control kids feel on the inside, the more controlling they become on the outside. Identifying a highly sensitive child is not always clear-cut, but knowing the traits of a highly sensitive child can help Some traits of a highly sensitive child include: Feeling overwhelmed by lights, sounds, and smells She has been featured in The New York Times, Washington Post and BBC. Her educational background is in Electrical Engineering (MS, Stanford University) and Business Management (MBA, Harvard University). Claire Lerner, LCSW-C, is a nationally recognized child developmental and parenting expert with over 30 years of experience collaborating with families to understand and respond most sensitively and effectively to the challenging behaviors they encounter in the early years. Just because a child cries or feels bad doesnt mean they should escape other consequences. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. 8 Discipline Strategies for Parenting a Sensitive Child. And when your child uses their sensitivity (e.g., applying their imagination, showing empathy for a friend going through a tough time), tell them how proud you are of them. It's not a disorder; it's simply a temperament type - one that's shared by 20 per cent of the population, occurring equally among males and females. (I have also heard from many adults who felt misunderstood as children and who are struggling mightily as a result.). They know this means they are being evaluated and absorb and react to the pressure. Sensitive children tend to lie to get out of trouble. They have a hard time tolerating being corrected. And though loud sounds can overwhelm anyone no matter their temperament, it can take a lot less than the loud wail of a siren to make a highly sensitive kid cover their ears. But it can also be overwhelming and make them more prone to anxiety, especially in new situations. 2018;54(1):51-70. doi:10.1037/dev0000406. Avoid overlooking behaviors that you would discipline another child for simply to maintain peace. In addition to having a more thorough brain, highly sensitive people also have a more sensitive nervous system. Recognize that your child is not weak and doesnt need to be roughed up. Rather than discouraging children from experiencing big feelings, focus on teaching them to deal with their emotions in a socially appropriate manner. When you hear the phrase highly sensitive used to refer to a child, you might imagine a kid who cries at the slightest provocation. Perhaps she has even been labeled as "shy" or "highly emotional" by someone close to her. Try to understand what your child experiences in their body and through their five senses. Highly sensitive children are keenly aware of themselves and their environments. More affected by the environment for better and for worse. 3. Avoid trying to minimize or talk kids out of their emotions. Follow him on Twitter. Sensory Processing Sensitivity predicts treatment response to a school-based depression prevention program: Evidence of vantage sensitivity. HSPs are estimated to make up 15-20% of the population when using the HSPS (Aron & Aron, 1997) to test and up to 30% of the population when using the shortened scale (SensitivityResearch.com, 2020). Parenting a highly sensitive kid can be a challengeparticularly for parents who arent highly sensitive themselves, or who wish their kid could be more flexible or adaptable. Why is my child in charge? The scientific term for it is sensory processing sensitivity, and it differs from SPD in that this low tolerance for distress is a personality trait or quirk, and not an actual dysfunction of the senses. Problem solve once your child is calm. Also remember, sensitive children are often very compassionate and kind. New York: Harmony Books. Sarah has always been bothered by crowds and busy places, and startles easily with sudden or loud noises. A 2015 study on college and graduate students, largely women, revealed that 43.5% had been estranged from their mothers. But parents of highly sensitive kids know that there is more to their childrens temperaments than, Highly sensitive kids are not only emotionally reactive, but extremely. Sensitive kids need consequences just like every other child. It is a good thing and considered to be one of two strategies that evolved to ensure the survival of the human species. Initially, they may refuse, but with time and patience, they will eventually build confidence up enough and jump in. Claire is also the author of Why Is My Child in Charge? Pamela Li is an author, Founder, and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting For Brain. Once these moms and dads accept that: their child may have to melt down; that it is not their fault that the meltdown happened; and, that they can't prevent or stop the meltdowns, there is a great sense of relief. This deltabetween their expectations for their child, who is a big reactor, and their child's ability to manage her emotionsis a source of great frustration and despair. These qualities can make for smart, conscientious, creative children, but also may result in shyness, fussiness, or acting out. But because of their intensity, they are also prone to having more challenges in adapting to lifes expectations and limits. What Is High Sensitivity Personality (HSP)? Its not about preferring the Batman shirt to the Frozen teeseams in socks and itchy tags can be impossible for a highly sensitive kid to handle due to their sensory processing sensitivity.
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