He refuses to answer his texts or phone calls. My ADHD partner acknowledges that part of his symptomology is that he legitimately HAS NO ABILITY to control his temper. I didn't know he wanted to hang out with us. J, we all are beneficiaries of your therapies. It's not his fault I gave 4 more years..that's solely my responsibility. He couldn't tell what things were meaningful to me in my life (his words to me) -- and I'm talking about serious things like health problems. Does THAT come up in therapy? Basically a very long, angry rant about how I was wrong, he was right, and I was the cause of this fight. What is happening for you is what is happening for her all the time but by being with herit will only get worse if this is the case and I'm correct? Is there a way to have a fulfilling marriage if your husband has ADHD? ". After that long.it was no longer difficult to say things differently and eventually..my thinking in those terms followed suit shortly after that. Or sets material goals as a potential goal or hurdle for there to be a possibility of a physical relationship, like find a better job or show some interest in advancing your career further while unfairly comparing me to ex-employees she was glad to be rid of. This is the first time I confide in himabout this, and #3. Obviously, he reread my text and saw that nowhere did I say that I slept in the car. None of what he told me was true. It's just a matter of degree and is more extreme than what would be considered normal. You . He would never "hurt" me, so there was no reason to feel fear. We've been married 14 years, and we are just, over the last 2 years, figuring out that he has ADHD. I think you can guess what happened. Then work from there.In cases where you agree on literally nothing, that's a flag that you aren't approaching the issue with the same values. When I realized this I went."uh oh..I can't do it." Anxiety is depression, which means you are feeling unhappy". that's Jon!" I have learnedthe hard waythat unless he makes a commitment to get the help he needs, all myprayers and wishing and hoping and work Ido as hissignificant other means nothing. On her part.she wasn't very clear and wanted me to make this conclusion for her in one sense by adding this up and knowing this is what she was saying. this is what I'm been going thru for a very long time.longer than our marriage. I see this as a giant step forward in cracking the ice concerning this topic and coming to a meeting of the minds between the two of us. I completely rewrite sentences as they are being said to me. Common goals are critical. It frequently feel as though we speak completely different languages, he sometimes understands so little of what I say, and his recall is so poor or distorted, that I sometimes keep a journal of what's been said, to save from arguing later. Talk about where the accusation is coming from. I won't leave him because I'm cursed andin love with him, but things are getting weird for me. I think that his defensiveness may come from years of not getting things and feeling "lessor than". I just fell like sometimes if I try to research it too much he feels I'm telling him what to do but I'm trying to educate myself too! I don't know if he even does ? Turning my back on those guys is what ultimately cheered me up though;), Submitted by lauren07 on Thu, 06/25/2015 - 11:02. And by that, I don't mean incompetence at work, but general life skills incompetence. It really is ALL about him. It also takes the pressure off of me in the same way when I need clarification. What do you do when you have doubts about whether the relationship can be salvaged, but the goals set to demonstrate "confidence" in her eyes are things that could seriously impact my financial situation if we do determine that divorce is the direction we need to take? He was so wonderful to me. it is totally crazy on his behalf and makes me feel so helpless, especially when he is hurting me, his daughter and my furr babies with his controlling, false accusations etc. Well clean for awhile. My past was minimized and I was expected to get over it. I asked him if I could so the same thing. The accusation comes through in the second part of how you respond which comes through loud and clear. This is why it is so so hard for me to let go, i remember all of the really good, wonderful, loving times at the START, when he was EVERYTHING i was looking for. It caused him to negate everything else prior to that, all the things I'd done to try to understand him, which I did to the best of my ability but obviously not perfectly. With my wife..even that is not enough. Not 'only when we are perfect'. After a time, he said he wanted us to get to a point where we were like family. I think I can deal with most of the other problems. it has been so lonely. Submitted by circa66 on Sat, 08/27/2016 - 19:43. I'm actually doing all right. Things have got at least 50% better in our relationship, which has opened up some real possibilities for change around some of the ADHD issues like housework. I do think ACOA/Al-Anon could help you with understanding her better, and probably in other ways that I couldn't really begin to guess. It wasn't about correcting anybody - it was about me showing myself to him so he would know how to reach me. My taking all of the blame in this way, with a soft voice, neutral tone, caring affect, only seems to accomplish a sort of condescending acceptance on his part. Describe what I have had to deal with.. All I can say is..my friend hit a home run on that one!! Your going to act in a narcissistic manner. I know she does not take medication. I just don't want to feel so alone. When she does this (interjecting or interrupting before I'm finishedsometimes right in the middle of my sentence before completely my thought. I have to work around this much I knowlike you. I was walking on eggshells to avoid an argument fearful that I may trigger one by the slightest gesture or word choice. It can take the form of trying to manipulate someone else for personal gain of some kind and in more overt harmful way with care less disregard for another person. The high contagion and reactivity of resentment and are likely to make you into someone you . I can't deal with this constant need for affirmation. I've read every credible thingI can get my hands on. He gets angry because it's always something "touchy" that he percieves so wrong. Only admitting that the aspect about my ADHD that I have little control over is needing to take breaks from her ( or anyone) at different times to take care of myself and keep myself level. Like many other people who are also that way, you have a very high tolerance for poor treatment, and have an easy time excusing it based on whatever the other person is going through. Because he didn't need it. I then got reamed out because I was being a condescending b&t*h by insinuating that his ADHD had anything to do with our problems. Submitted by kellyj on Mon, 01/04/2016 - 20:47. If he wanted to believe it badly enough I just figured I was never going to change his mind. I hope for your sake that he is not a narcissist, as I don't think many of them ever change- because they refuseto see themselves as anything other than superior in almost every way. It's not important to you as you just said. He finally asked ME to leave because of my "attitude". But I need some answers for me. I have always skimmed past posts and articles regarding this topic. I inadvertently offended him multiple times: by saying, as we approached the toll and he says "I don't have any cash", "Well, I guess I'm paying for this outing". He was molested and won't even show affection. I loved him more than my life and, more than anything, Iwanted to make him happy! Turning the page and speaking in the here and now. These things don't matter to you and you don't care in reference to what I am saying. He has issues with attention and hyperactivity. You did ask (about you W) and the competitiveness and failed communication attempts. I believed him and tried in vain to figure out how to keep him from being angry, having outbursts, etc., until about a year ago. Ihave NEVERgotten an apology let alone closure in any of the arguments we've had and because I was the"fixer" who always wantedto communicate and come up with a solution,I have been sufferingfor a while. I can tell you one thing for suremy wife really has no idea what she really feels like except never being able to and say the words "I am wrong" and avoids this at all costs. I think it's fair to make a distinction between losing your temper in the heat of an argument or ( blowing up ) and not having control of your anger in those very specific moments from having volatile chronic anger that seems to be un-precipitated or in connection to anything that would be considered a more commonly seen response to another persons anger ie: quarreling or fighting where both people are mad and angry at the same time. etc etc. He was angry that I didnt take off of work to attend a conference with him. I think many ADHD people do not realize how their ADHD affects their relationships. I need this done w!! It is for me embarrassing and frustrating. I was livid. It's hard to know from your description without seeing this myself butwhat occurred to me about a somewhat similar look as you described in connection to your wife's behaviors and your comments: is "this what a marriage should be like?" It's not that I can remember everything eitherThe reason it becomes aproblem and arguments startis the insane desire to be right about (both of us:(ouch! And I told him over and over how much I appreciated that change. But he'll always say oh you're right I'm always wrong. The area in which we struggle is everything to do with this post. When he's done being angry and has a chance to think about his reactions, he will often tell me that if I can be *really* clear---black and white really----that this would help him. Million dollar question. Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Sat, 08/29/2015 - 02:12. He asked to have our kid this weekend and to start getting him more. But it's worse if we split. She still can't really admit or see that her mother is an abusive Alcoholic single mother parent. I wondered this myself - how was he SO sensitive, so seemingly self-aware, so kind, seemingly empathetic for the first little while, then once i arrived there to be with him (all commincations prior were skypevideo calls and emails due to distance)how do they be ONE way and seemingly the nicest most loving guy you have ever met, then be someone else and show their other ADD side? When I woke up still sitting in the same spot.I felt different. And I hope all my comments about sports and competition haven't flavored you into feeling that I am. Submitted by Julia on Sun, 01/03/2016 - 09:38, Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Sun, 01/03/2016 - 16:55. Another facet of the problem is that, perhaps because he is such a high-functioning individual, he SINCERELY believes that he is being empathetic, understanding, and compassionate. The problem is that the healthy person often doesn't understand that A person can't hide his true self that long. ", She said"it not that I don't understand..it's that I don't agree. I wish we had cameras in our house to rewind and play back. Here are Some Possible Reasons, Tips for Making Your Husband Love You Again When Youre Facing a Separation or Divorce, Tips for When You Feel Like Youre Marital Separation is Going All Wrong. I'm sure it still hurts, even though you know it's not your fault. Feelings of total annihilations like being cutting adrift in outer space and cut off from themselves is what it's been described to be like. Submitted by kellyj on Wed, 12/30/2015 - 17:34. And if that doesn't happen either, I am STILL so much healthier and happier on my own, just being able to breathe in my own space, rather than having to worry to the point of illness about how every single thing is going to impact him and what the consequences will be. I do not want him back if that means no ADD treatment and me admitting being the one to blame for his anger outbursts. To live content with small means; to be worthy, not respectable; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, this is my symphony. As poorly as my responses have been with you in the past.in the momentI returning fire with fire and calling you any name that pops into my head whether it's true or not. But later he denied he had ever said that, and then later admitted he had- but only to 'shut me up'. It has now effected my life in a legal way. It is a vicious cycle that we end up repeating over and over again because we love them and don't want to give up on them. Man, was I livid !! He started to hear things in my voice who were not there and got angry because he thought I mean something mean with a normal question. "and he tells Jack "no.I like cats tooI just prefer dogs over cats personally" And Jack says"Why don't you like Cats?" Whatever the emotional struggle is, someone in that group has at least a relatable experience. His parents are getting quite old, and I worry about what will happen when they are gone. Dammmand I hoped he'd say because it meant he loved me so much. As my T has said many times. However, like you, I don't go out of my way to communicate at all. A child is also not given any choices in the matter because you already know that you as their mother."know what's best for them." I owe myself more than that. I know this is difficult to accept that an abused child is creating or allowing that experience. Completely discounting that sometimes his actions/words do not convey what he thinks they do. Resentment? I hate ADD:/. He felt that me and my friend were excluding him. ( or luck? (never having to lose my temper regardless in any situation no matter what) But like I said..having a volatile short fuse or any chronic problem managing anger in itself has not been a life long of chronic pattern and I do have ADHD. Submitted by Delphine on Mon, 05/30/2016 - 11:06. dedelight, this is a question that commonly comes up in such explorations. "Once again my problem is that i never rationally think things out only this time I didn't get angry about it I just brought it up as soon as she woke up before church and ruined her day instead of waiting until after church and talking about this like a husband and wife should.". ADHD vs BPD in this case. Where's the fire?.what's the hurry or rush? When Reconciling With A Spouse, Do Things Get Worse Before They Get Better? The symptom of this is Narcissim and we are all guilty and at fault of this to one degree or another no matter who you are. I heard what she was saying now, about what happened before. It is maddening. 2) Lie by omission by not telling the doctor pertinent things, telling half-truths, and telling things out of context. Additionally, he has forbid my teenage son to live in the same home as us (which his daughter now occupies my son's bedroom, leaving him with none in our home). I know this is a rationalization but it's also a defense mechanism. ". His mother had colon cancer. Like this last time, he bought something and left it in his car trunk. Too much to give. Fot the first time ever.she actually understood what I had just said to her and acknowledged that she now understood why I said the things I have to in the past that did not make sense to her until now..including any name calling I have done. If anyone would ever like to talk please feel free at this point i see all the hurt and pain i have caused people in my life and just want to be able to help. I'm new here but I've been happy to find the benefits of not engaging him on this. Sometimes he would even roll his eyes. When my own symptoms have caused me to pull away from people, I have pushed myself to do things that scare the hell out of me, that put me at risk of the rejection and humiliation that I fear so much -- motivated more than anything by not wanting to hurt someone. They lost their Dad 4 years ago to cancer and I can't screw up their lives. I need to keep hope that he will one day know the REAL me, and not his paranoid delusion version if me. My husband does have ADHD (diagnosedas a child), now this makes more sense. Our arguments are just as you've described. I am so sorry that you are in this situation as its going to be hard to rise from. She has probably spent a lot of time blaming herself for things not working out. So I asked why the current situation was so hard for him to understand, then. I'm not qualified but I know it what I thought all along in the range of the cluster B spectrum.
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my husband accuses me of not loving him
